I have really been enjoying Matt Maher's new album, Saints and Sinners. My current favorite song is "Everything is Grace." (You can listen to it here.) With all the changes and upheaval in my life lately, the lyrics really speak to me.
Especially this line: "My portion, the only thing I know, You are enough." This echoes the Psalmist, who repeatedly affirms the sufficiency of God in our life. I've heard this over and over and repeated it without really thinking about what it means.
I began meditating on the concept recently and realized that I've been looking at God like I look at food. I've struggled with my weight throughout my adult life and I'm constantly refusing treats or second portions. The kids will give me sweets or encourage me to eat fattening foods and I refuse, saying that I'm satisfied with the healthy things I've chosen. Which is a lie, because Cookie Butter is delicious and so is bread. But I stick to the party line, trying to convince myself that I am satisfied with the healthy option. The word "portion" itself speaks of deprivation and sacrifice because it seems small and whittled.
So when I think of God as my portion, it seems like sacrifice as well. As if He is the tiny bit of healthy food I allow myself when I am sticking to my diet. I mouth the words that He is enough, while still pining for the world in my heart. As if I'm being "good" by pretending to be satisfied with Him.
I was praying at Mass before the Eucharist a couple weeks ago and as I stared at the crucifix above the altar, the real sufficiency of God as my portion hit my like a load of bricks. He is not diet food. He is the feast. The God who spun the world into existence with a word is my allotment. Mind-boggling, yes? I get excited when I work a little extra and get a larger paycheck, or when I splurge and make a delicious "cheat" meal. And yet I act like a pious beggar when declaring the sufficiency of the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe as my portion, as if I'm somehow holier for being satisfied with less. As if He is less. And something is wrong here. I've unknowingly gulped satan's lie that God wants to deprive us.
Do you struggle with this? Does satisfaction in the Lord seem like the false satisfaction of a salad instead of a cheeseburger? I challenge you to meditate on what His sufficiency really means.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps 73:26