Monday, May 26, 2008

Just some free advice! (PG 13 rated)

I have to share you some wisdom I've gleaned in my years as an Emergency Room nurse (Warning, not for young eyes!)

There are some things you should not bring to the ER with you. Unless it is truly necessary (a parasite that you passed, etc) leave it at home! Here are the top few things I've seen (and didn't want to):

Urine in a pickle jar
A Gladware container full of stool
The tip of someone's finger, still in the glove he was wearing when it was ripped off by the machine
A LIVE snake in a milk carton (kill it first, please!)
A wild boar that had tusked a man - his family had gone out and stabbed it to death and hauled it in the back of their pickup.
Multiple Kleenexes full of phlegm, showing the progression in color of the woman's chest congestion.

Other free advice:

If your head hurts, try a Tylenol before immediately running to the ER.

It takes antibiotics 48-72 hrs to work. Don't run back to the hospital when you're not better the next day.

It is a staph infection, not a staff infection.

Douching with Coke is not birth control.

If you notice a funky smell "down there", check to see if you left a tampon in at the end of your last cycle.

Speaking of tampons, no, your tampon cannot escape and float freely in your abdomen. If you can't get yours out, squat down and try again.

You have to actually fill your prescription and take it for the medicine to work. Just having the piece of paper really doesn't do anything.

There is no cure for stupid.

The ER does not do "check ups" or immunizations.

Tylenol is not a one time deal. Yes, you may have to give your baby more than one dose during the course of his illness. The fact that his fever returns 6 hr after you last dosed him does not mean he is deathly ill.

Try to use correct terminology on your triage forms. Especially if you are going to leave it face up on the table so God and all His people walking by can read it. We really don't need to read about your illness in X-rated terms.

There is a magical place called Walgreens. They sell pregnancy tests for cheap. So does The Dollar Tree.

Make a list of your medications and keep it in your wallet. I really DON'T know what you are talking about when you say "I take the green pill and the white one."

If you have had abdominal pain for 2 yrs and show up at the ER with it, don't expect me to be in a hurry to help you. Obviously you have not been in a hurry to get it taken care of either.

Wounds must be sutured within 12 hrs. Putting bleach and duct tape on a wound does not count as first aid.

We live in Texas. It is summer. If you go out on your boat all day and drink beer in the heat, you will get sick. Really.

Lawn mower blades are sharp. Don't put your hand it it while it is running.

Table saws and narcotic cough medicines are a bad mix.

Yes, the man having the heart attack WILL go before you when you are here for a sore throat.

If you have not had a period in nine months, have gained 30 lb in your stomach area and are having severe abdominal cramps it is called labor. You don't have a tumor, you are having a baby. Really.

That's it for now!


Pam's Pride said...

OMG!! That is stinkin' hilarious!! I can imagine you get some really crazy people coming through the ER on a regular basis!!

Terra said...

Yep, we must have the same kind of people here in Colorado as you do in Texas. All of the above advice is equally applicable here!

There are some parts about the ER I just don't miss! :)

I did figure out, working nights, that an emergency is anything that is keeping you from sleeping. If you've had abdominal pain for two years but have some how managed to sleep through the night it's not worth having looked at. It's once you go one night without sleep that it becomes a life or death emergency! :)

Megan said...

This is HILARIOUS!! I love it when people use medical terminology to try to sound smart but they use it all wrong or butcher the words. Dead giveaway, you want me to think you're a doctor, but, well... your NOT! lol

Megan said...

p.s. had a somewhat graphic thought as i started to leave... what about advising ALL people to never stick anything up your butt! it WILL get stuck, and you WILL be terribly embarrassed when you are admitted to the hospital! (had a guy/kid with a LIGHTBULB that needed fetching) Sorry, that might have been rated R. Oops

emilymomto3boys said...

ROTFLOL! so so wrong.