REAL parenting joy

So yesterday I shared my reservations about GKGW.  Thank you for your comments.  I realize that many loving parents do use Babywise and don't sabotage their milk supply.  I realize that doing GKGW doesn't mean your baby will scream in his crib for an hour until he vomits.  Many caring parents use Babywise with common sense and do just fine.  I thank those parents for extending grace to me when I say that it did not work for us.

And now I'm on to another Christian parenting book that is popular in my circle.  No Greater Joy Ministries, a fundamentalist Christian ministry that puts out several popular parenting and marriage books.  I have read To Train Up A Child,  No Greater Joy (Vol. 1-3), Rebekah's Diary, and Created To Be His Helpmeet.   They were all interesting reads, and did contain nuggets of helpful truth.  But in the end, I cannot recommend them.  My husband always encourages me to chew up the grain and spit out the straw, but at some point the grain-to-straw ratio becomes unpalatable.  And the poisonous nature of some specific straw (is my metaphor breaking down here?) makes it dangerous to ingest.  (Just ask the two children who died because of its teachings.)

Let me explain.

My husband has dined with Michael and Debbie Pearl and says that they are kind, meek, loving people.  I have some issues with their doctrines (KJV only, water baptism only, sinless perfection, etc), but I don't doubt that they genuinely love Jesus and desire to strengthen families.  What I do doubt is their method and their general feelings about child-parent relations.

The Pearls say that their methods will work 100% of the time.  If you end a spanking before you have achieved 100% outward submission and repentance in your child, you have failed.  Which will make it even harder to break your child the next time.  If your child flees from you, you should stalk them, hold them down and beat them.  When you are spanking them, you should act like it's a big joke and pretend you have lost count of how many licks you have given and jest that you must start over.  You should wear your switch around your neck so your children are always reminded of your authority.   BUT, if you are steadfast and continue to whip your child until they repent, every single time they disobey, with utter impunity (and a smile on your face!) you will have completely happy and obedient children. 

Most rational, thinking, loving people can read that and realize it is a load of hogwash (not to mention disgusting!).  There is NO guarantee of a perfect outcome.  God has disobedient children, who am I to think that I am a better parent than He?  What we must do is PRAY!  Often and in earnest!  Ask the Lord what we should do and teach our children the Word from an early age.

But there are folks out there who do not have this common sense check in their spirits.  Well-meaning, Christian folks who read these books and fall under a load of condemnation for their children's faults.  Who read these books and think, "If I just spank more/harder/more consistently......if I just break my child's will....then I will have an absolute guarantee of their success!"  And so they throw rational thinking to the wind and end up with dead children.

I understand the draw of a guarantee, but as attractive as that thought is, there is no biblical precedent for this.  Instead we must draw near to God in faith and work with Him to train our children and LOVE them into the kingdom.

In addition to the sickening descriptions of spankings in the book,  the entire premise of the parent-child dynamic seemed off to me.  It, and books like it, seem to promote a ruler-serf mentality with children and parents.  I am no permissive parent, and firmly believe that this is the time to be my child's parent - friendship will come later.  However, I see no reason to be my child's adversary.  I want to be his coach, his teacher, his cheerleader.  The Bible says we are co-heirs with Christ.  We are growing in grace and wisdom together and I see no reason to assume antagonism between my children and myself.   Yes, there are times when they must submit to my leadership as the mother of the home.  But they are also my brothers and sisters in Christ, and we, as a family unit, are trying to follow hard after Him. 


I didn't want to write this.  I had read parts of the Pearl's books and liked them.  But when you know better, you do better.  And I know better now.

God is a better parent than I am

I lost my wedding ring a while back. (I'm sure it is in the house somewhere, but I just can't seem to find it.) Then I lost my cell phone last week. I was getting really frustrated with my penchant for losing things when a couple of my friends asked if I had prayed and asked the Lord where my ring and phone were.

I smiled and said that I thought God would just like me to get my act together and stop losing things.

Because my daughter Abigail had just lost her glasses (4 days after I bought them for her). And we didn't pray about them. I just got angry and fumed at her.

And I tend to think God parents me like I parent my kids. Like God gets tired of me pestering Him for things I should be responsible for. Like He runs short on patience and wants some "Him" time. Like He gets frustrated teaching me the same lesson over and over and over.

But He is not a parent made in my image.

He is slow to anger, and abounding in patience. He doesn't need alone time. He wants me to come to Him. Often.

I need to sit at His feet and read the Word more. So I can understand what kind of parent He is and be made into His image. Instead of making my faults into His character.

Tie Dye

I love watching the Duggar family on TV. Nate says, "Mom, we should totally have that many kids - it would ONLY be 13 more." Gulp.

Nate's wishful thinking aside, I really do admire this family. I just finished their book and got some great tips for parenting a large family. One thing that I've noticed is that when they go out as a group, they wear matching clothes. This makes it easier for Mommy and Daddy to keep track of everyone.

Well, because we are such a PFUN pfamily, we can't just do matching clothes. We have to make our own TIE DYE matching clothes. Last year we did two sets, brights and camo. This year we changed it up a bit.

This is the dye kit we used.


The dye bottles inside look like this. You just mix with water.


Start with your plain white cotton shirt (don't use cruddy poly/cotton).


Get it wet, and wring it out. Pinch the middle and let the rest hang down. Apply rubber bands and 2-3 inch intervals (see the shirts on the sides above).



Apply the dye. Really squeeze it down in there, as it is going through many layers of cloth. We called these "Fire":


And these "Ocean":


Cover with trash bags and let the dye set for 6-8 hrs. Clip off the rubber bands and throw the shirts into the washing machine. Wash 2-3 times until the water is clear.

Free tips:
#1 Use better gloves than the ones that come in the kit. My hands look terrible.
#2 For super bright dye, leave overnight before rinsing.
#3 Do not use the sorry cheapo trashbags to protect your counter. They don't (protect). Use the Hefty's.

Tomorrow I'll show you the finished products! And we are celebrating the end of our horse unit with a cowboy roundup! (We are forgoing the suggested backyard bonfire. I don't think our neighbors would appreciate us burning down their houses.)

Overlooking an insult

Recently, one of the children's verses for the week was Proverbs 12:16, "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." I talked with the kids for a while about how we need to have thick skin. We need to ignore little annoyances and not be so touchy.

Later, I was contemplating the same verse. I thought about how some parenting books advocate a zero tolerance approach to back talk and disobedience. While I certainly believe in training your children to speak respectfully and obey immediately, I wonder if our haste to nip things in the bud can sometimes cause us to miss the root issue.

For example, Nate is having difficulty controlling his temper at times. He gets upset and doesn't know how to handle his emotions. He begins to get angry and has a tendency to back talk when I redirect him towards calming behaviors. Sometimes it really hacks me off when he sasses me and I'm tempted to respond with anger to his rude remarks. This can quickly escalate into a yelling match, making me feel like I have an 8 yr old teenager. I let my wounded pride and desire for respect from my children control my behavior.

I think the prudent thing for me to do is overlook the remarks (for now) and get to the root problem. He feels out of control with his emotions and needs help learning how to exercise self-control. I need to learn to not take things personally. I need to calmly and rationally help him instead of getting offended. Sometimes the punishment mentality muddies our effectiveness as parents. We are looking so closely at the behaviors we *need* to punish that we fail to see our kids as coheirs with Christ who need our help and guidance more than our snap judgements.

I think I need to pray more that God would help me see my kids' hearts and get to the root of their behaviors. I don't want to focus so much on the little stuff that I miss the big picture.

Who do you follow?

I'm like a dog, really. When I'm out with the kids and I see another mom, I check her out. Sniff around. Is she like me? Lots of kids? Baby strapped on back? School aged kids in tow during school hours? If we seem compatible I might venture a "hello". And the sniffing continues. We night start to talk about parenting. Is she like me? How does she feel about schedules? Breastfeeding? Vaccination and alternative medicine? Homeschooling? Spanking? Cloth diapers? Cosleeping? And on and on and on. And I tend to judge folks based on their opinions about these issues.

Similarly, in mom group situations (the church nursery, the park, etc), different child-rearing teachers often come up. Folks quickly identify themselves with one teacher or another (Ezzo, Sears, Lehman, etc). And again, the judging continues.

The apostle Paul dealt with this in I Corinthians, Ch. 1:10-12, "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, 'I follow Paul'; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another, 'I follow Cephas'; still another, 'I follow Christ.'

The truth is, we should all follow Christ alone. He is the best teacher. He knows our children in ways that no one else can and freely gives of His wisdom to those who ask. As much as we have good plans and intentions for our children, His plans and intentions are more glorious and awesome than we can imagine. Why do we avail ourselves of man's wisdom to the detriment of God's? Why do we allow differences in parenting to divide us, instead of allowing Christ to unite us? Many men and women have valuable things to say, but only when we learn at the foot of Christ we will be truly wise.

The "D" word

The children heard the word "damn" on television and decided to try using it around the house. I sat them down and explained that it is not a word we should be using. I told them that it meant that you wished that person would go to hell. I then told them that the fifth chapter of Matthew says that when we say that it is like murdering someone in our hearts, and that we should love one another instead.

They were quiet for a minute.

And then Susannah pipes up, "Well, I know who I'm going to say 'damn' to. The devil! 'Cause he should burn in hell!"

Can't argue with that. So I agreed and told her that princesses don't say "damn" because it's not ladylike.

She agreed not to say it, since she's a princess (just ask her!)

10 minute rule

I have this love/hate relationship with the Flylady. Sometimes I do really great with my control journal, sometimes not so much. But I do agree with the idea that you can do anything in fifteen minutes. For the kids, because they are young, I've modified this to 10 minutes. So we have a new housekeeping procedure. We start by reading one chapter of our book (right now we are reading The Magic Treehouse books). Then I set the timer for 10 minutes and the kids and I race around and try to clean as much as we can before the timer goes off. Then I read another chapter, followed by another cleaning race. The kids love it and we get a lot done. Try it with your kiddos and let me know how it works for you!

Memories

I have the sweetest little boy. We had a good day today. Worked hard cleaning house (the children are very motivated right now because they are earning money for new swimsuits), read in the afternoon after school time, made a yummy supper together, went to the splash park and got Slurpees on the way home. An all-around great day. We were driving home and Nate says, "Mama, if they have phones in Heaven, I hope you call me when you get there. That way I can find your house. I'm sure I'll want to come over a lot once I get there. And I think, when you die, I'll buy your house. That way I can come and sit in the living room and think about you and have good memories. Like about days like today, 'cause it was the best day ever."

Sigh...if only I could put a brick on his head to keep him from growing. Seven is such a great age. What a sweetie.

Little heathen kids

Okay, not really. But sometimes they act like it! (Case in point: they were playing in the hose this morning outside and decided to spray water into the kitchen to make a "pond". I took Gabriel up to bed and came down to a good inch of standing water in my kitchen and laundry room. Took every towel in the house to mop it up. And turned the 25 lb sack of flour in the laundry room into one giant, heavy block of glue. But I digress.)

Anyway. My friend pointed something out to me the other day and it really stuck with me. She said it's no wonder that some Christians' children rebel. She said that some Christian parents seem to treat sinners better than their own children. That struck a nerve with me.

So many times we talk with our kids about how we should treat people in the world. We sing "This Little Light of Mine" and talk about shining our light in the world. And then we are harsh and impatient to the little sinners in our own homes.

Not that we shouldn't discipline our kids or expect good behavior. But we should treat our children as the first and most important prospective converts that we know. Just as God woos us to faith, we should woo our children to belief with love, patience, and kindness. We cannot expect them to act like they are full of the fruit of the Spirit until they are actually full of the Spirit, right?

This week I've been trying to whisper with my kids instead of yell. I've been focusing on lowering my voice and speaking firmly, but gently. And I've been seeing good results.

The next time you want to scream at the kids, take a breath and ask yourself, "Would I treat an unsaved friend this way"?

Ouch!

Yesterday, Nate and I discussed the Sixth Commandment. He wanted to know what the difference was between killing in wars and murder. We had a very thought provoking discussion and I was surprised at his depth of insight.

Then today he comes up and says, "Mommy, how come if God hates murder, and we're supposed to love the things that God loves and hate the things that God hates, you like to watch CSI and Law and Order? Aren't those just about murder? I don't think you really love the things God loves if you think those shows are so interesting."

Ouch!

Out of the mouths of babes...

Does God lie?

So, the Bible is pretty clear about children.

They are:
Rewards (Psalm 127:3)
Crowns (Proverbs 17:6)
A Heritage (Psalm 127:3)
Gifts (Genesis 33:5)
Arrows (Psalm 127:4)
Fruit (Genesis 28:3)
Known and Ordained by God (Jeremiah 1:5)
Olive shoots (Psalm 128:3)
Blessings (Genesis 1:28)


While some of these things seems strange to us, if you really think about them they have have a deep and rich meaning. Olive shoots, for example, were very special to the Hebrew people. They would grow into olive trees, which were symbols of Israel itself, and produced life-giving olive oil (which has many symbolic meanings: anointing, gladness, joy, healing, etc).

The question is, why don't I always think my kids are blessings, rewards, gifts, etc? Is God a liar, or have I failed to train them to be blessings.

Recently, we went to the zoo. While we were there, I had some problems with Nathan. He kept wandering off. It is difficult enough to keep an eye on 4 kids (Gabe was sleeping in the sling) without having one of them running off. Finally, I took him aside and said, "Nate, you are old enough to obey Mommy. You should be a blessing and helper to Mommy instead of being a problem." He came to me later and apologized for running off. He was very helpful for the rest of the day.

I think one issue in our society today is that we do not train our children to be helpers and blessings. They spend so much time sitting in desks at school, being shuttled from one activity to another, and doing homework that we feel guilty making them do anything around the house. So we wait on them like servants and then wonder why we feel put out and slavish. Maybe because we are not expecting them to fulfill the role God has made for them.

Philip teaches in his class that when you do good things you feel good about yourself. His students have been taught for years all this psycho babble about self-esteem. That they are inherently worthy of feeling high self esteem. But the kids already know deep down that self-esteem based of false praise is worthless. The best way to truly feel good about yourself is to do something good (and deal with guilt, but that's a whole other post).

There is a family in Arkansas that is expecting their 18th child. They have been featured in several specials on TLC. I have heard so much criticism of this family. People complain that the older children must have no childhood because they have to work hard, or that the younger ones have no individuality or time alone with Mom and Dad. But the children appear very happy. They seem content in knowing what their responsibilities are. Compare that to the dissatisfied smirks and general petulance of most American teens. We have reared them to be tiny dictators instead of helpers and blessings.

The next time you find yourself bemoaning your child's attitude, take a deep breath and ask yourself if you have helped create their sense of entitlement by not training them to be blessings.

Texas Rubies retreat

I just got back on Sunday from my first Above Rubies retreat. Gabe and I had a great time and I really came back refreshed and renewed with vision for my children, home and marriage. I wanted to share a few little observations from the weekend.

1. Austin is lovely. I really had no idea that there were parts of Texas that were so hilly and green and gorgeous.

2. My husband is totally stinking awesome! I came home to a wonderfully clean house and happy kids.

3. Nancy Campbell and her daughters are very tall! And very sweet. They were all very gracious and approachable. It was amazing to me that they would take the time to come do this retreat with all the stuff going on in their lives right now.


4. There are humble, kind women from all walks of life. I was somewhat trepidacious about going to this retreat. I'm not the kind of lady who is quiet and meek and gentle all the time. I prefer capris to dresses and occassionally (working on this!) say bad words. I think my spiritual gift may be sarcasm (kidding!) I was worried that I wouldn't fit in. I was just overwhelmed with acceptance, from ladies who appeared Amish to those who dressed more like me. Everyone was sweet and kind. Several even told me that they were glad that I had come and they appreciated my joy and humor. I can't tell you how much this blessed me. So often I fall into the trap of thinking God can't use me as much as someone else because of who I am. I start thinking that I would be a better Christian if I covered my hair, wore long dresses, and stopped watching TV. But I don't think that's true.

Sure, I am supposed to be working towards holiness. And there are certainly times that I need to work on keeping my mouth shut. I need to listen more and talk less. I need to be discerning about what I watch on TV and not allow it to eat up my free time. But I also need to realize that God made me the way I am. He chose an outgoing, ebullient, joyful personality for me. When He formed me in the womb He must have been saying, "THAT one is going to be a firecracker! She's going to crack Me up!" And it's okay. God needs all kinds of folks in His Church. And I need to stop being a whiny baby about my place. Some folks are feet and some are hands and some are kidneys. And each of us is vital. Instead of trying to be each other, we should all be emulating Him.

5. God convicts us all about different things, and we need to be more sensitive to HIS voice than our peers'. For instance, there was a time not too long ago when I considered covering my hair and wearing dresses. (Honestly, I was just hoping that the outward sign would help my change my disposition towards submission). Dh was not on board. I realized this weekend that while other women may be led to do these things, for me it would be disobedience. My sweet husband does not want me in a prairie schooner dress or kerchief. So for me, adopting that style of dress would be the opposite of submission. It would be rebellion.

Nancy made a great point. She talked about how she went through a phase of dressing plainly and wearing no make up in order to show that she was "set apart". One day the Lord convicted her, saying "Is that the only way you can show you are different?" Ouch! I think putting on love (Col. 3:14) is more important than any physical garb we put on our bodies.

It's not called babysitting!

Can I share a frustration with you? I'm often asked who babysits the kids when I'm at work. I reply that my husband and I alternate our schedules so that either he or I can take care of the children. "Oh, that's so nice that your husband is willing to babysit." What??? Back up the train! It is not called babysitting when your husband watches his own children. It is called being a dad! Seriously!

I will preface this by saying that I am blessed with one of the best husbands ever. He is an active participant in every part of parenting. He changes diapers, gives baths, makes meals, cleans house and kisses boo boos. Last weekend he even took all five kids to Chuck E Cheese all by himself (with the baby in a sling!). And nearly achieved sainthood in the eyes of my mommy friends for doing so.

I am appalled at how low the bar is set for fathers in this culture. Because so many fathers are little more than sperm donors, any father that sticks around and does anything for his kids is considered a good dad. And good Christian fathers like my husband Philip are anointed as superheros.

Shouldn't involvement and care be the norm for Christian dads? How is a man supposed to be priest of his home and disciple his children if he is not with them? Our culture has sold us a lie in the form of "quality time". That whole idea is baloney. Kids spell love "TIME". Deuteronomy 6:4-8 says, "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD; and you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." How is a man supposed to do this if he is not involved in his kids' lives? Is he supposed to share Biblical truths during the commercials on ESPN while he watches his game? Or is he supposed to be active with his kids, teaching them day in and day out? Teachable moments come up often when you spend time with your kids, just doing life together. Trips to the park, chores around the house, handiwork in the garage and meals at the table all serve as springboards for discussions of the depths of God's Word.

Philip says that men who don't spend time with their kids are missing out. I agree, and I'm glad to have a husband who doesn't want to miss out.

Birth control revisited.

My wonderful dh and I have had a long running discussion about the practice of birth control in the modern church. We agree that the devil, the enemy of our souls, hates children and wants us to avoid having and raising up families who love the Lord. We know that our culture values prosperity and personal hedonism more than children. So it should not come as a surprise to us that this attitude has crept into the Church. Many of my church friends assume that having children is an area of absolute personal liberty, no more significant to the Lord that what color car you drive. Simply an area of personal preference. They see no problems with artificially limiting the size of your family in order to maintain a certain standard of living or keep you from being "stressed out."

On the other side of the equation we have the Quiverfull movement. These Christians believe that any limiting of family size is sin. That we should eagerly desire and embrace as many pregnancies as possible during our childbearing years, trusting that God will open and close the womb as He sees fit. God bless the QF for planting a flag and causing families to reconsider God's design. I am grateful that they stand up and proclaim the truth that children are blessings and a gift from the Lord. But some of the more radical elements of this camp say that there is no reason a woman should ever use any kind of birth control (even Natural Family Planning) - even if her health is poor or God has a special task for her family for a season. The problem with this camp is that is smacks of legalism and judgment.

I don't believe a loving husband would push his wife to have another baby at a time when her health was in danger. I don't think God would have a sick mom kill her unborn child through abortion, but there is a wisdom in allowing a sick mother to heal for a season before seeking pregnancy again. I know a couple who practices non-abortificant birth control because they believe God has called them to minister right now in a very dangerous area of the world. Their access to medical care is limited and a pregnancy at this point would mean that they could not continue their ministry. They do say that at some point they will move to a different area (and have children) when God tells them it is time, but for this season they believe they are in obedience to the Lord by not having children.

What I propose is a middle road. A place where each couple actively seeks to know what God's will is for their family. The world tells us that we should avoid "too many" children and the QF movement tells us that we should have as many children as physically possible. I think we should each listen to the Holy Spirit and stop trying to be the voice of God to each other. Let us encourage one another to ask "how many children do YOU want me have, Lord?" God bless those who have chosen to abandon their wombs to the Lord and eschew all birth control. And God bless those who use birth control for a season. And may the Holy Spirit convict any of us of our sins. Whether that be judging someone else for their use of birth control, or refusing to seek the Lord about His will for our family size.

So many of us want to bind each other with our own consciences. We forget that "man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart" (I Samuel 16:7). Maybe we should be quiet and let the Holy Spirit work on folks Himself.

Christian hedonism

I am often told, "You don't look like you have five kids." This has always perplexed me, as I am sure they are not referring to my svelte figure (snort!). Finally, last week, when someone said this to me I asked them, "What should a mom of five kids look like? Should my womb be hanging between my legs or something?" She laughed and said, "You know, worn out, tired, unhappy, bags under your eyes." Where did she ever get the idea that children are so burdensome that I would look like a refugee from a slave labor camp? Maybe from the world?

I have a dear friend who told me that she knows homeschooling would be best for her kids (not that I am making a blanket proclamation that homeschooling is the way). But she says she doesn't think she could stand to spend that much time with them, and that it would really cut into her "me" time. I didn't say anything at the time, but I was saddened by her statement of priorities. If she feels convicted that homeschooling is what God would have her do, and yet refuses so she can spend more time pleasing herself, she is really missing out.

Our modern world tells us we need to "get away" from our kids. Some of my happiest times have come just enjoying my children. They are funny little people. We have found that as we lose ourselves in Christ and immerse ourselves in serving Him by raising our children that we are fulfilled. The Psalmist said, "Taste and see that the Lord is good, happy is the man who takes refuge in Him." (Ps 34:8). Why do we act surprised when the Lord tells the truth? He tells us we will find true joy when we serve Him. How are we supposed to win people to the Lord when we are not truly convinced that He alone holds the keys to true fulfillment and pleasure? Leading folks to the Lord shouldn't be like convincing them of the necessity of swallowing a bitter tasting but healthy medicine. It should be like inviting them to a lavish banquet and telling them to eat up.

Now, I'm not saying that we should entice people with smooth words and slick promises of a rose-petal strewn path to Heaven. Certainly, there will be suffering along the way. But as the Creator of our souls, God alone knows what will make our hearts most happy and fulfilled. And we will not find those pleasures apart from Him.

Well, move your arm, stupid!

So last night Abby came into my room sobbing after I'd put the kids to bed. After calming her down I asked what her problem was. "Nate bit me!" she wailed. Suspecting something was up (since it would be difficult for him to bite her if they were all in bed like they were supposed to be), I asked her what she was doing when he bit her. "Laying on him with my arm on his face!" she explained. Oy vey! Well, move your arm! Stop laying on him! Get in bed! After reiterating the instructions to stay in bed and kissing her boo boo, I went to talk about this with my husband. We laughed at her silliness, but I was struck by something.

This is how we act as adults too. We get the natural consequences for a behavior and we act surprised. We blame God for our own stupidity. We have financial difficulties because we are undisciplined and we cry that God isn't providing. We drive like idiots and then blame God when we get in a wreck. We eat junk food and watch TV all day and blame God when we get sick. We spend more time on the Internet than we do raising our children and then act surprised when our kids reflect the world's values instead of our own.

Maybe, like little Abigail, we should move our arms. Stop doing stupid things and we won't have to suffer the consequences. It's not God's fault when we set ourselves up.

Kids are kids, no matter where they go to school

So, I didn't realize that by choosing to homeschool our children we would become the poster family for homeschoolers everywhere. That every single action my children take, good or bad, can be traced directly to our choices in their schooling. Confused? I am too.

Case(s) in point.

My oldest son is acting like a seven year old boy. He is squirelly and hyper and likes to run around making a lot of noise at the park. I'm talking to another mom and she says, "Look how happy he is to be around other boys his age. He must really be missing that interaction." As if there is a dearth of children at our house and he sits alone in a corner. Give me a break. She then went on to explain how his social skill must suffer because of his homeschooling. Really? Because it is somehow natural for children to be surrounded by children of the same age? Because God must have made a mistake putting us in families, where we learn to interact with all different ages of people?

My daughter is being silly at one of our extra-curricular activities (why we call it homeschooling is beyond me - we're never home, maybe we should call it "real world schooling"). The intructor remarks that homeschooled children can't focus and are used to acting however they want. Funny, I was under the impression that most five year old little girls are silly and like to spin around like a princess. But maybe that's just every child I've ever known. Surely they can't be representative of normal behavior.

I guess what gets me irritated is that children whose parents have chosen traditional schooling never have to defend their decision. If their child acts up or has some personality quirk it is never blamed on the schooling. But if my child talks too loud or generally acts childishly it must be because of his schooling.

Children are children. They act like children. Let's all remember that we are each doing the best job we can raising our kids as we believe God would will us. And the next time you catch yourself attributing a child's behavior to homeschooling, ask yourself this - if a public school child did the same thing, would you assume it was because of his schooling? And don't be prejudiced against homeschoolers.

Things Tricia will get to experience:

We were challenged by ApplePieMom to write a list of things Tricia will get to experience with Gwenyth:

Holding your child up in the air and having him vomit into your mouth.

Wiping what you thought was chocolate pudding off your daughter's shoulder and licking it off your finger. Only to find that is was NOT pudding - it was the contents of her training pants.

Having your child's speech impediment cause him to say the "F" word at church when all he really wants is someone to share the Tonka trucks.

Having secret words and gestures that mean "I love you" in your family.

Waking up to find someone has joined you in the night and is happily drooling on your pillow.
And then finding out that the same person has peed in your bed.

Having your three year old dump her training potty into the big potty and seeing it splash on her face (!). While you get a washcloth to wipe her down, she says "Oh, good, it just got on my face. Not my jammies!" and proceeds to wipe her face on the carpet.

Telling your child to brush his teeth good and hearing him say, "Well, mom, if my teeth rot out I can just get gold ones. They are SUPER FANCY!"

Letting your child feed himself yogurt (see above).

Hearing your little one say, "You are the best mama in the world."

The leap in your heart when your speech delayed 2 yr old finally says "Mama" after previously being content to only make car noises.

The surge of pride/love in your heart when your little one prays.

Seeing your husband reach out with cupped hands to catch it when your child throws up.

Seeing your child try to tackle a goose at the park.

Having your daughter give a play by play description of your intestinal troubles to all the folks in the public bathroom while you have diarrhea ("Wow, Mommy, your poopy is really stinky!")

Hearing your son say, "Abby, I want to smack you, but Mommy says when we are kind it helps the good angels beat up on the bad ones. You know, 'cause love is how we fight the devil's minions."

Watching your baby discover his hands.

When your two year old plays Hide and Seek and "hides" right in the middle of the floor, thinking that they are hidden because their eyes are closed. 'Cause if they can't see you, you can't see them, right?

Sooooo many little tiny things that you only notice when you make yourself slow down and drink it all in.

So important?

As we were driving home the other night, my two eldest got into an argument. Again. This time is was over (I kid you not) who had the most invisible trophies. I pointed out that this was a ridiculous argument, as 1)the trophies are non-existent, 2) it is unimportant, and 3) it was giving me a headache. My son sputtered for a moment and said, "But Mom, it is SO important!" They refused to drop it, so we had to play the quiet game the rest of the way home.

I wonder if this is how God feels. We (His kids) spend half our time in church arguing over minute differences in theology. In our minds we elevate personal preferences to matters with serious theological and eternal ramifications. We spend so much time bickering over unimportant things that we miss out on the chance to truly fellowship with Him.

I wonder what God takes for the headaches we give Him. I took two Advil.

Fear and relativism

With the dawn of the internet age it has become increasingly easy to surround yourself with friends who share exactly the same interests. For example, I have few friends in real life who wear their babies in slings or use cloth diapers. But I can pop over to www.thebabywearer.com or www.diaperswappers.com and voila! - instant peer group. While this can be fun and encouraging, it can also be dangerous. It seems like every web community has a standard group of core values. (Admit that you occassionally use disposable diapers and the girls over at diaper swappers might be shocked.) This becomes a problem when the core values of a group extend beyond outward things like babywearing or cloth diapering.

Many of the boards I visit are attachment parenting oriented. While there are some aspects of this philosophy that I love, there are other aspects that I find disturbing. I do not look at my child as a peer. They are precious charges given to me by God to raise. He has given them to me because I am older and wiser and I am to teach and train them. There is a relativism amongst many AP moms that I cannot embrace. I believe that there are absolute rights and wrongs and that I need to teach my children this. As Pope John Paul said, we do not get to choose right and wrong, we get to choose between right and wrong. There seems to be a movement among parents today to embrace allowing your children to choose their own definition of good and evil. This is foolishness. God has already decided what is Truth. He has delineated what is right and what is wrong. It is up to us to choose which side we will stand on.

While I sometimes have the courage to stand up for the Truth, I am often nervous about doing so. I am afraid that if I do not tow the party line of tolerance and respect/endorsement of all choices I will be ostracized or ridiculed. For some reason I seem to care what these e-friends think of me.

But I forget my real Audience. I should be more fearful of what God thinks of me. His opinion is the only one that matters. This week I am meditating on the fear of God (which the Bible says is the beginning of all wisdom). It is popular nowdays to replace the word "fear" in the Bible with "respect", but I think this is faulty. Most of us fear what others think about us. We say, "Oh, I can't do that because I'm afraid of what she'd think of me" or some other nonsense. But we don't stop to think "I can't do this because I'm afraid of what He would think," or "I'm afraid if I choose this path I will hurt His heart." We have no fear of God.

Luke 12:4-9"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God. "