Portion

I have really been enjoying Matt Maher's new album, Saints and Sinners.  My current favorite song is "Everything is Grace."  (You can listen to it here.)  With all the changes and upheaval in my life lately, the lyrics really speak to me.

Especially this line:  "My portion, the only thing I know, You are enough."  This echoes the Psalmist, who repeatedly affirms the sufficiency of God in our life.  I've heard this over and over and repeated it without really thinking about what it means.

I began meditating on the concept recently and realized that I've been looking at God like I look at food.  I've struggled with my weight throughout my adult life and I'm constantly refusing treats or second portions.  The kids will give me sweets or encourage me to eat fattening foods and I refuse, saying that I'm satisfied with the healthy things I've chosen.  Which is a lie, because Cookie Butter is delicious and so is bread.  But I stick to the party line, trying to convince myself that I am satisfied with the healthy option.  The word "portion" itself speaks of deprivation and sacrifice because it seems small and whittled.

So when I think of God as my portion, it seems like sacrifice as well.  As if He is the tiny bit of healthy food I allow myself when I am sticking to my diet.  I mouth the words that He is enough, while still pining for the world in my heart.  As if I'm being "good" by pretending to be satisfied with Him.

I was praying at Mass before the Eucharist a couple weeks ago and as I stared at the crucifix above the altar, the real sufficiency of God as my portion hit my like a load of bricks.  He is not diet food. He is the feast.  The God who spun the world into existence with a word is my allotment.  Mind-boggling, yes?  I get excited when I work a little extra and get a larger paycheck, or when I splurge and make a delicious "cheat" meal.  And yet I act like a pious beggar when declaring the sufficiency of the Creator and Sustainer of the entire universe as my portion, as if I'm somehow holier for being satisfied with less.  As if He is less.  And something is wrong here.  I've unknowingly gulped satan's lie that God wants to deprive us.

Do you struggle with this? Does satisfaction in the Lord seem like the false satisfaction of a salad instead of a cheeseburger?  I challenge you to meditate on what His sufficiency really means.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps 73:26

Just enough

So it's been almost two years since my back surgery, and it's still a struggle.  Most days, even if I wake up without pain, I'm in pain by lunchtime and limp to bed in the evening.  The constant, nagging ache and burn drags on me.  Anyone who has known chronic pain knows the despair that creeps in.  The unrelenting discomfort of long nights tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. The invites that are refused from fatigue and weariness.  The isolation that closes in like draperies that block all light and joy.  The fear that this present pain, this ever-present pain, is all that awaits this side of eternity...

And I feel crushed.

Weighed down.

Like I can't crawl from beneath the covers and face another day dragging myself through the motions and fighting like mad to keep my cool when my body wants to fail.  Like I will never be the mom or wife I want to be, because I just can't.  I have challenging children and a demanding job and I can't slow down.

But I can't keep up.

And I'm crippled by fear of the future.

I was reading The Screwtape Letters earlier this week and was pierced by one of the things Lewis wrote.  In the book, Screwtape exhorts his underling to get his patient fixated on the future, saying that if the patient focuses on the future he will become so overwhelmed by what could be, either good or bad, that he will be open to sin (pride, fear, etc) because of his hopes or fears for the future.

And I realized I have fallen so far into this trap.  So far into the pit of trying to bear up under what I perceive to be my lot.  I have been trying to muster the strength and virtue to somehow endure the pain with cheerfulness until death.  Today.  Which is ridiculous.  I don't know what the future holds. God willing, I will wake up tomorrow healed.  Or not. Either way, His grace will be enough.

Either my God will deliver me, or He will give me grace to bear my cross.  And I must, must stop trying to hoard grace to meet my fears.  His hands are safe and His provision is abundant.  Just as the children of Israel were impotent to gather tomorrow's manna today, I cannot and indeed need not gather today what He promises tomorrow,   His promises can be trusted and I can rest in the perfect assurance that He will be the same tomorrow as He has been today.

How is God meeting you in your present ambiguities?  How is His grace enough for you today?

On a ledge

First, an update on the kiddos.

School is going well this year.  I absolutely think we did the right thing putting the boys in school.  The girls are learning so much and I actually feel like we are getting everything done that we should.  I am so happy with our arrangement.  Nate is loving school and making friends.  We are working with the school on his dyslexia therapy and he is making progress.  The little boys are transitioning, not without some bumps along the way, into a more structured environment.  I think this is good for them, and will help them if/when we decide to homeschool them again.

And as for me, well, I am here.  I've had some major changes in the last few months.  I quit my job to be home more, though I am looking for one with a smaller time commitment each month.  I left my church, as I could no longer receive in a place that does not allow women to teach men.   I found a church where I felt home (thank you, St John the Apostle UMC, for being a safe landing spot for me), but my husband didn't like it.  So we are looking for a new church together.  I left our homeschool co-op, as I just couldn't handle teaching another class right now, and felt the prevailing winds of the group were too legalistic and patriarchal for me.

So I've left behind a lot of friends.  And I feel like I'm drifting in a way.  I don't really know what to cling to except Christ.  A lot of the things I've been taught for the past 10 years seem like garbage now:  ways to control people, control women, control children.  As if the Gospel were a fantastic self-improvement plan instead of the water of life.  I've found that I am so desperate for grace.  My efforts are never going to be enough.  No matter how many fancy plans I make, I will always fail.  So I have to cling to One who won't.  And I have to be quiet enough to let Him speak and reclaim the words that seem so twisted in my mental dictionary.

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”                                                                                                   John 4:13-14

                             
Looking at my daughters has changed my life.  My girls are growing and asking questions about their roles as handmaidens of the Lord.  And I'm realizing that the box many of the people around me are building for their girls is so, so small.  That the yoke they've placed on young necks is anything but light and easy.

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”                                                                          Matthew 11:28-30

Serving the Lord where He has planted you should be light and easy.  Not easy in the sense of "never being difficult," but easy in the sense of "wow, I love this pair of jeans."  And for me, it has not been that way for a long time. (Would it not make sense that the One who made me would fashion me to fit perfectly in the role He has for me, but to chafe at the wrongness of an unfit spot?)

Right now I am waiting.  I am asking and I am listening.  I am considering seminary.  Feels scary to put that into words, but I feel like there is so much I don't know and so much that I want to know.

I've just felt for the longest time like I was standing on the edge of a precipice and the tiny ledge I stood on was slowly shrinking.  I felt like I could keep clinging to where I was and standing on the things I had been taught, knowing it was not a true safe place.  Or I could listen to the Voice that beckoned and just jump, trusting in my Savior to catch me and bring me into a real green pasture of rest.

So I'm choosing to jump.  To follow Him and trust that He still speaks. To believe that the One who made mountains also made me and has a perfect niche in this world just for me.

I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.      Psalm 27:13-14

Strong men or wimps?

Sorry for the absence. Things have been crazy around here (when are they not?) and I've been mulling over a lot of spiritual things.

I'm really struggling with the roles many Christian men and Christian ministries place on women. I'm struggling with the idea of telling my daughters that their dreams are limited because of their genitals. I'm struggling with a theology that purports to cherish women but limits and demeans them. I don't understand why "feminist" (a term that just means you believe that women are equal to men) is such a cuss word in the church, and I'll be writing about this more over the next few weeks.

But right now I want to talk about wimpy men. Or at least the idea that men are wimps. Many of my friends are very, very conservative. They talk all the time about how submissive we should be as women, and how their husbands are super strong, macho leaders. But when you really look at their behavior, it is clear that they believe their men are wimps.

A few months ago, we were sitting around talking at the park. We were discussing freedom in worship and several of them decided that it was "immodest" for a woman to dance during a church service. This came as news to me, since our church encourages freedom. Several of the women and quite a few children dance freely for the Lord during worship. We even have a team of college students that performs amazing dances on stage.

But for my friends, moving your body in the presence of men is immodest. It is apparently provocative to wave a scarf or shake a tambourine where dudes are around. (My friend Brandi says if she danced like that for her husband he'd laugh so hard he choked. It would definitely NOT be arousing!) I was incensed at their censure of the dancers. I could not believe that they thought their husbands would be turned on by a woman dancing for Jesus. But they shushed me, saying that we need to remember that we are our brothers' keepers. Their arguments have been nagging at me, and I finally figured out why.

Ultimately, in my opinion, the whole modesty/submission/husband-worship thing comes down to a view that men are weak. Men cannot control their desires, so women must cover their bodies. Men cannot lead if anyone questions them, so women must keep quiet and submit. Men will not participate in church if women teach, so women should shut up and listen.

Let's look at modesty first. I'm not advocating that we all run around nude or wear bikinis to the grocery store. But it is not the responsibility of women to control or protect men by what they wear. This kind of thinking leads to the whole "well, she got raped but she was asking for it dressing like that" kind of talk. Several of my friends think pants are not modest. They say that pants draw the attention to the crotch area and make men think about sex. (Are they aware that women don't really have anything in the crotch area to draw attention to? By that logic, men should wear skirts!)

All men are not the same and no matter how you dress, some guy will think you're hot. (Ask my husband, I practically dressed Amish when we were dating and there was no lack of lust!) It is a slippery slope when you make women the guardians of men's eyes. First you cover your knees, then your shoulders, then you're in a burka. Because you are a precious treasure, of course (insert eye roll.)

I understand the desire to shield your husband from temptation. We live in a culture saturated with sex. But my husband is strong enough to be around ladies in pants and not start humping their legs like our shi tzu. And I think most husbands are. We are calling our husbands wimps when we require women to dress a certain way to "help" our menfolk be faithful. (Modesty is more about action, in my opinion, anyways. You can flirt with a friend's husband just as easily in a skirt!)

The same reasoning applies to submissive women. I have heard so many of my friends say that they suppress voicing an opinion because they want their husbands to lead. I even heard a preacher (not mine!) saying that women should never lead Bible study for their children because their husbands should lead. The idea here is that if women step up, men will just fade into silence and allow their wives to lead spiritually.

But I really don't think men are that wimpy! Mine isn't. We certainly don't see eye to eye on every spiritual doctrine and he's not cowed by my opinions. He doesn't abdicate responsibility for teaching our children about Jesus just because I also teach them about Him.

Another friend was talking about how men won't participate in church if there is a woman pastor or Sunday School leader. Are our men that pathetic? Is their manhood challenged by a person with a spiritual walk, opinions, and ovaries? I don't mean to be crass, but ownership of male genitalia does not give a guy a special hotline to God. And I really don't believe that our men are that weak. That we must cover and cower and keep silent or they won't step up and participate.

If we truly think our husbands are strong leaders, they should be able to handle women who dress normally. They should be able to handle women who teach and women who have opinions. They should recognize that God has made all people to function according to their gifts, not according to their gender.

Seriously?

So I've been writing about some of the teachings coming out of the conservative/fundamentalist church that I believe are, to varying degrees, toxic and extra-biblical.

I do agree that many of these ministries have some good things to say, and I have tried very hard to  judge only the teachings that they have presented and not the hearts or salvation of the teachers themselves.

But this really takes the cake.

When I read it I had to step back and shake my head in disbelief.

It seems that Doug Phillips, of Vision Forum, believes that it is murder to do surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy before it ruptures.  He thinks this is a tenable approach because one random woman in Australia carried an ectopic pregnancy attached to her ovary for nine months and gave birth via c/s to healthy baby girl.

It's good logic, you know, to make your case based on the strangest, most bizarre incident you can find (eyeroll).

What this man does not mention is the 40-50 women who die every year in the US from ectopic pregnancy.  What he does not mention is that there are very, very few cases of ectopic pregnancies making it to the age of viability.

I would contend that this man is dangerous, and, dare I say it - cruel.  There are well-meaning Christian families, many whom I know and love, who listen to Mr. Phillips.  And if any of them feel his condemnation and misguided classification of ectopic pregnancy surgery as murder, they could be putting their life in danger for no reason.

Has Mr. Phillips had miscarriages?  Has he wiped away the blood and had the cramps and cried the tears associated with the loss of life and a dream?  I have.  And I know many other women who have.  It is heartbreaking.

I've never experienced an ectopic pregnancy, but I have held the hands of women diagnosed with them.  As a nurse, I've cried with them as they were wheeled away to the OR for emergency surgery to save their lives.  I've seen the vital signs dropping as a woman bleeds out from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I've pumped in the fluids and blood to try and save her.  I've watched her color turn grey and her skin become clammy as her life drains into her belly.  It can happen in minutes.  I've seen women go to sonogram and be diagnosed with an intact tubal pregnancy.  They can come back to their room and crash in just a few minutes.  "Watchful waiting" is not an option when you can bleed out in five minutes.

But in Mr. Phillip's theology, a woman who has life-saving surgery, knowing that there is no way the tiny life insider her can be saved, is a murderer.

And that is sick.  It is uncompassionate, rude, cruel and unkind.  Because these women are grieving the loss of their sweet babies, as well as usually facing reduced fertility due to the loss of the affected tube.  I cannot see the character of my Savior in a person who would condemn the grieving mom.  I see legalism, judgment and misogynism.  I see a man, who, for all his talk about valuing women, sees them as expendable. 


As the body of Christ, we should be weeping with those who weep and comforting those who are grieving, not heaping blame and condemnation on their heads.

FREEEEEDOOOOM - aka, why I am renouncing my prairie muffin credentials

I feel like such a fool.  I remember who I used to be, the person my husband fell in love with.  I was so joyful and vibrant and friendly and free.  I read my journals from that time and I see such passionate love for the Father and openness to Him.  And I just don't feel that way anymore.

My husband remarked the other day that I am so stubborn.  That I dig in my heels and refuse to listen to his advice.  And it's true.  I am stubborn.  I am loathe to receive any more instructions or corrections.  But probably not for the reason he infers.

It is because I have been deceived.  For the past 5 or so years I had been wading softly into the waters of Biblical patriocentricity.  I had been reading things from Vision Forum, Ladies Against Feminism, Voddie Baucham and the like.  And I felt so condemned.  Because there is no room in these man-made philosophies for a woman like me.  The only way for me to conform was by changing who I am.  By changing from the person God made me into some strange Stepford wife.  And when my sweet husband added any more advice or correction, no matter how just, I felt as though my knees would buckle under the burden.  My relationship with God was so pathetic.  I could not seek His Face because I knew it would be contorted with disappointment in my failure to conform to the requirements of the "godly."

But the Holy Spirit in me cried out against this.  I was not made for this.  I was not made to be a visionless sidekick.  And I don't think that the Lord created half the population of the world to only be sidekicks.  Christ did not come to deliver me to another set of rules. 

The patriocentrists insist on uniformity in the body.  All members should act alike.  Personal preferences of leaders and fathers are exalted to the status of doctrine and to have a different take on things is labeled sin.  Small verses are catapulted to stardom in their doctrines and whole ways of life are centered around minute portions of Scripture.  "Forget the whole counsel of God," they seem to say, "we only need two verses from Proverbs and a snippet of Titus."

And it is all about control.  Subjugate the women and make the men kings.  Keep your daughters at home until the time comes when you transfer ownership of them to their husbands.   Keep your sons working in the family business and spreading your glory. 

So from now, on, I am not just Philip's helpmeet.  I am Tamara, daughter of God.  I am valuable to Him in my own right, apart from my position as wife or mother.  I have been given dreams and passions apart from those of my husband and it is okay!  I am capable and gifted as a woman.  Not in spite of being a woman or only as an adjunct to a man.  I am made in the image of God, just as a man is.  The fact that an X chromosome sperm fertilized my mother's egg does not make me less in substance or stature before God than if a Y chromosome sperm had done the honors. 

It is okay for me to occasionally need time alone.  Despite what the patriocentrists teach, it is okay to go for a mani-pedi sometimes.  I DO need a little me-time sometimes.  I do need an hour or two to myself.  It doesn't make me selfish, it makes my healthy and honest.  I have six kid, for goodness sake! 

I am valuable to God apart from my womb.  I do not need to engage in militant fecundity to prove my worth or my devotion to Him.  I can be okay with my hysterectomy and I do not need to self-flagellate in the presence of quiverfull women because I cannot bear any more children.  I love babies, but frankly, my quiver is full at the moment.  And that is okay.  God has richly blessed me, but my hands are full!  The patriocentrist ladies won't admit it, but you really cannot do it all! 

Gabriel will be going to speech preschool at the local public school 5 mornings a week next year.  And I am so grateful for the opportunity.  For him and for me.  Because I cannot teach 4 kids with a crazy preschooler at home as well as I can teach 4 kids with said crazy preschooler enjoying friends and fun at school.  The patrio books/blogs would indict me for not training him better and for sending him to public school.  But I have been honest with myself and realized that this is the best thing for all of us.  I could insist that I am capable of juggling all these balls, but it would not be helpful to Gabriel or the rest of us.  He needs the speech help and I need 3 1/2 hrs each morning to teach without constant interruption.  And that is okay!  Praise God that this service is available!

This is not to say that I do not adore my husband or children.  It is not to say that I am not unbelievably blessed to be Philip's bride and the mother of my six amazing kids.  But those things do not define me.  Christ and Christ alone is my portion, not motherhood or marriage or anything else.

It is painful to admit that I have been so deceived.  That I have been like the foolish Galatians, adding law to the finished work of Christ.  But it is true.  And now that my eyes have been opened I just want to shout "FREEEEDOM!"   The weight of law and condemnation is so heavy.  But His burden, His teaching, His truth - they are so, so light. 

I cannot reject the pestilent teaching of the Vision Forum and other Patriocentric ministries strongly enough.  They are divisive and cruel.  They cause strife and division in churches.  They are not humble.  They do not just present teachings for consideration.  They call their critics names and abuse their character and their Christianity.   I repent for ever believing their lies and ask all Christians to honestly compare patriocentric teachings with the Word, remembering that description in the Word does not equal prescription.  Just because Abraham and Jacob were patriarchal leaders does not mean that God intends all fathers to own their daughters like chattel.  They were ancient men, living in an ancient culture, and their habits are not commandments for us.

(PS: My husband did NOT push me in this direction.  He wasn't slipping VF leaflets under my pillow or buying me their books.  I was the one dragging him down this path.)

What would Jesus protest?

I was reading about that horrible cult led by Fred Phelps. I am truly repulsed by this man, and ashamed at the reproach he has brought to the name of Christ.  (It's one thing to be a sick, hateful jerk, it's another to be a sick, hateful jerk and claim that Jesus made you do it.)  I hate that people look as his brand of vitriol and associate it in any way with my Savior.  I hate that this "preacher" takes verses from the Holy Scriptures and misuses them.  It makes me ill.

I know we are called to evangelize.  But when I read the Scriptures, especially the words of Christ, I hear a different command than the one Fred Phelps is hearing (which is, apparently, "insult folks into the kingdom").  I read the words of my Master and hear that I am to share the Good News.  I hear that I am to share a message of reconciliation between an unrighteous sinner and a Holy God.

I understand that people must repent and realize their sin before they can be reconciled.  I reject the watered down self-help gospel that does not require repentence.  But I fail to see how calling names and claiming every bad thing that happens to America is a divine judgment is evangelism.  Is this man making converts?  Are sinners being reconciled with their God through his teachings?

Now I realize the Mr. Phelps is a pretty extreme example of a Christian picketer.  I realize there are many others who have picketed at Pride parades and abortion clinics and other places who do not hold to the vile teachings of Mr. Phelps.

But I still wonder what Jesus would picket.  I wonder if He would be standing anywhere holding a sign of condemnation.  And if He did, wouldn't it be in front of a "church" like Mr. Phelps'?  In the Gospels Jesus saved His most scathing criticism for self-righteous religious folks. To the sinner He reached out with salvation, to those who thought themselves righteous He lashed out with condemnation.

If the Church is truly the hands and feet of Christ, shouldn't we be reaching out, promoting reconciliation and healing?  Shouldn't we be bringing people to the Savior so He can restore shalom (wholeness) to their lives?  Isn't the Good News more than just a judgment or a "don't" list?   Have picket signs ever caused a sinner to turn, or do they simply strengthen the resolve of the foolish to continue on their merry way towards destruction?

I understand that we cannot stand for sin in our own lives, but isn't the Church most effective when we allow God to cleanse us first and then reach down into the pit and help folks up?   I realize that the Cross is a stumbling block and the ways of God seem foolish to man, but can we let the Cross be offensive enough without adding the shame of our own nasty, hateful behavior? 

I am not saying that we should be soft on sin.  I am not saying we should lie about things that offend God.  I am not proposing that we seek to please people with our words instead of Christ, or that we should allow our feelings to dictate our stance on subjects of morality.  But I am saying we should clean house first.  Focus on our own hearts and our own sin.

Called to judge?

So apparently I'm becoming adept at stirring the pot.

My last post led to a 75 comment long stream on Facebook.  Some folks really agreed with me,  while others adamantly defended the Pearls.  Some folks called me judgmental and called into question my behavior as a Christian.  

So my question here is, are we allowed to judge as Christians?  When?  Why?  Are there limits?

Nearly everyone is familiar with Matthew 7:1, "Judge not, or you will be judged,"  Offer an opinion on nearly anything that someone else doesn't like and you will be smacked in the face with this verse.  But what does it really mean?

If we continue down the passage we read, " For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?   How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?   You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."   A companion verse is Luke 6:37, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."

Reading these, and knowing what my Savior said to the hypocritical, hyper-judgmental religious leaders of the day, it is easy to see that we are not to judge other people.  I am not to look at another person's heart and condemn them.  I should follow Jesus' teachings and treat others the way I would like to be treated,  forgiving them as I would like to be forgiven.  We know from the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matt. 18:21-35), that it angers God greatly when we, who have been forgiven an unpayable debt, hold others accountable for the comparatively small offenses they have committed. 

So it seems pretty obvious that we must develop a policy of charity towards others since we desire charity for ourselves.

But the issue becomes more murky when we start talking about behaviors and teachings. 

Pope John Paul wrote that Adam and Eve mistakenly thought that they could choose right and wrong.  In reality, God alone can determine if something is right or wrong, good or evil.  We only get to choose which side we will stand on (Josh 24:15,  Matt 12:30.)   Will we agree with God or pretend that we get to determine what is sin?  It's a form of idolatry, really - enshrining one's own self and one's own opinion greater than God's.  Because when we refuse to agree with God and call sin sin, we are really telling Him that we could do a better job - that our judgment is better than His. 

So, for example, when we call abortion a sin, we are not being judgmental in a way prohibited by Scripture.  Instead, we are siding with God, who hates murder and the shedding of innocent blood (Prov. 6:17, Ex. 20:30).  I am not judging a woman's heart when I say that abortion is sinful.  I am agreeing with God, who creates life and despises the killing of innocents.   To say otherwise would be to tell God that I have better judgment than He does.  (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that's a bad idea.)

Teaching is a whole 'nother ball of wax.  Teachers are held to a very high standard of accuracy and faithfulness to the Gospel (Titus 1:9 and 2:1, Gal. 1:6-9).   We are repeatedly admonished to evaluate teachings to make sure they line up with the Gospel (Acts 17:11).  We should endeavor to separate our feelings about a teacher as person from our evaluation of their message.

I am sure the Pearls are kind and meek.  My husband greatly enjoyed his time with the couple and was very blessed when Debi watched his movie and gave him a review. But I have a duty to separate those warm feelings from an honest evaluation of their teachings in light of revealed Biblical truth.  And I find the books lacking in the Spirit of grace that I see the Bible.  I also find them to be full of judgments and Law that will not bring life, but bondage.

I do not believe I am sinning in judging or evaluating the teachings of the Pearls.  I have not judged their hearts, after all, I have simply judged the teachings that they have presented to the body of Christ.  I would argue that not only is this an allowable practice, but an essential and beneficial habit for a maturing believer.

PS:  I should add that the teacher's platform matters as well.  The Pearls have presented themselves as Biblical child-rearing experts.  This means they must be evaluated using stricter standards than someone who is just sharing informally about their parenting philosophy.

REAL parenting joy

So yesterday I shared my reservations about GKGW.  Thank you for your comments.  I realize that many loving parents do use Babywise and don't sabotage their milk supply.  I realize that doing GKGW doesn't mean your baby will scream in his crib for an hour until he vomits.  Many caring parents use Babywise with common sense and do just fine.  I thank those parents for extending grace to me when I say that it did not work for us.

And now I'm on to another Christian parenting book that is popular in my circle.  No Greater Joy Ministries, a fundamentalist Christian ministry that puts out several popular parenting and marriage books.  I have read To Train Up A Child,  No Greater Joy (Vol. 1-3), Rebekah's Diary, and Created To Be His Helpmeet.   They were all interesting reads, and did contain nuggets of helpful truth.  But in the end, I cannot recommend them.  My husband always encourages me to chew up the grain and spit out the straw, but at some point the grain-to-straw ratio becomes unpalatable.  And the poisonous nature of some specific straw (is my metaphor breaking down here?) makes it dangerous to ingest.  (Just ask the two children who died because of its teachings.)

Let me explain.

My husband has dined with Michael and Debbie Pearl and says that they are kind, meek, loving people.  I have some issues with their doctrines (KJV only, water baptism only, sinless perfection, etc), but I don't doubt that they genuinely love Jesus and desire to strengthen families.  What I do doubt is their method and their general feelings about child-parent relations.

The Pearls say that their methods will work 100% of the time.  If you end a spanking before you have achieved 100% outward submission and repentance in your child, you have failed.  Which will make it even harder to break your child the next time.  If your child flees from you, you should stalk them, hold them down and beat them.  When you are spanking them, you should act like it's a big joke and pretend you have lost count of how many licks you have given and jest that you must start over.  You should wear your switch around your neck so your children are always reminded of your authority.   BUT, if you are steadfast and continue to whip your child until they repent, every single time they disobey, with utter impunity (and a smile on your face!) you will have completely happy and obedient children. 

Most rational, thinking, loving people can read that and realize it is a load of hogwash (not to mention disgusting!).  There is NO guarantee of a perfect outcome.  God has disobedient children, who am I to think that I am a better parent than He?  What we must do is PRAY!  Often and in earnest!  Ask the Lord what we should do and teach our children the Word from an early age.

But there are folks out there who do not have this common sense check in their spirits.  Well-meaning, Christian folks who read these books and fall under a load of condemnation for their children's faults.  Who read these books and think, "If I just spank more/harder/more consistently......if I just break my child's will....then I will have an absolute guarantee of their success!"  And so they throw rational thinking to the wind and end up with dead children.

I understand the draw of a guarantee, but as attractive as that thought is, there is no biblical precedent for this.  Instead we must draw near to God in faith and work with Him to train our children and LOVE them into the kingdom.

In addition to the sickening descriptions of spankings in the book,  the entire premise of the parent-child dynamic seemed off to me.  It, and books like it, seem to promote a ruler-serf mentality with children and parents.  I am no permissive parent, and firmly believe that this is the time to be my child's parent - friendship will come later.  However, I see no reason to be my child's adversary.  I want to be his coach, his teacher, his cheerleader.  The Bible says we are co-heirs with Christ.  We are growing in grace and wisdom together and I see no reason to assume antagonism between my children and myself.   Yes, there are times when they must submit to my leadership as the mother of the home.  But they are also my brothers and sisters in Christ, and we, as a family unit, are trying to follow hard after Him. 


I didn't want to write this.  I had read parts of the Pearl's books and liked them.  But when you know better, you do better.  And I know better now.

Gospel and Law

I've been reading some more emergent church books lately.  I enjoy Donald Miller, Rob Bell, and to some extent, Brian McLaren.  Their books make me uncomfortable though and cause me to search my faith.  Have I built my spiritual house on bedrock or is part of the wonder of God that is He is ultimately unknowable?

The emergent pastors seem to purport that what we believe about God is not really important.  What is important is that we follow Jesus into a new way of living in love and community.  They stress Jesus' call to kingdom living and sacrificial love for our brothers.

Which all sounds great. 

Except is is not the Good News.

It is not the Gospel.

When I stand before a holy God after I die,  I cannot trust in my adherence to Jesus' way of kingdom living.  My works cannot reconcile me to a perfect, just God.  That is Law.  And I cannot fulfill it.  I am inadequate to pay the monstrous debt I owe.

The apostles and early martyrs did not die because the Romans feared their lifestyle of community.  They died because they bore witness to the real Good News - that Jesus Christ, the incarnate God-made-flesh, had died for our sins and risen again in victory. 

I am so thankful for the real Gospel.  That my salvation does not rest in my works, but instead I have been ransomed back through the shed blood of Christ.  Indeed, works will follow as the Spirit of God restores my soul and conforms me to the image of His Son.  Works are evidence of true salvation.  But they are not the work of salvation itself. 

I am thankful for the solid rock of Christ.  That I don't have to build my house on the shifting sands of emergent theology that pretends to be about grace, but is really just regurgitated law.  And I can choose not to be enslaved again to law, but rejoice in the freedom His blood purchased for me.
'

Things I Learned from Harry Potter

1. I have a studly husband who watched the kids so I could go see Harry Potter tonight.  Thanks, honey!

2. England is super cool looking and I want to move there, now.  And those accents, ***swoon***.

3. The scene where Ron destroys the locket horcrux is so powerful.  What a vivid picture of our battle with the enemy.  Ron knows he must destroy the horcrux, but a voice speaks from the swirling mist and lies to him.  It tells him that it knows his secrets and plays on them to destroy Ron's confidence.  Ron begins to waver, but Harry shouts that the voice is lying.  Finally Ron charges forward and annihilates the horcrux.

 Isn't this how the enemy works in our own lives?  We know what we must do.  We see the sin that so easily besets us and don't want to be conquered by it.  But the enemy lies to us and we can become entranced and duped by those lies if we don't have the voice of Truth shouting in our ears (be it the Word or friends who speak Truth).  Ultimately though, it is not our friends' job to silence the enemy.   It is ours alone. 

May we all be empowered by the Holy Spirit to destroy the enemy that desires to ensnare us.

4. I also discovered that I am a giant sap since I totally cried when Dobby died.  

Numbering our days

I've been following the story of two classmates of mine, Chad and Ryan Arnold, from Oral Roberts University. You can read their story here.

It's a heartbreaking story.  One brother was dying.  His younger brother offered to be a living liver donor (the liver regenerates, so it can be split between the donor and the recipient).  The surgery went well for the receiving brother, but the donor died a few days later. 

As I was scrolling through the comment section I was amazed at some of the terrible things people wrote.  That it was a waste of life, and selfish of the donating brother (he left behind a wife and three small children).

I was shocked.  Because none of us is promised even one more breath.  This life is a vapor, a wisp, and it will be gone for every single one of us before we know it.  Unless we are the generation that takes the Great Commission to all peoples and the Lord returns, we will all taste death.

Ryan Arnold gave his life for his brother.  He did not know he would die, but he knew it was a real risk.  And he chose to act sacrificially.  My death could be meaningless.  I could get hit by a runaway car walking to the mailbox in the morning.  And it would just be a tragic accident.  No one would get a second chance at life.


My point here is not to be maudlin.  It is to say that we would be wise to ask God, like the psalmist, for the wisdom to "number our days aright."  We don't know when "that day" will be for any of us.  But we know it is coming, sure as sunrise follows the night. 

We might not get the chance to witness to that co-worker again.  To hug that child or make that phone call or right that wrong.  To forgive that hurt or take that first step of faith.  So let us all live every day as if it is our last.

Coming clean

First off. Accountability time. I totally snoozed the alarm clock this morning because the kids were still sleeping and frankly I need the rest. But I did do my Bible study. I started the Beth Moore study "Breaking Free" last year but got derailed by major morning (read "all day") sickness and didn't finish it. So I got the audio CD's and I'm going to work through this. I'm so psyched, anticipating how God will move me to a new level of freedom in Him.

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

A dear friend at church is struggling with forgiveness. A family member of hers has sinned in such terrible way that their entire family is being affected. He will go to jail. His wife will have to sell their home and go back to work. Their children will have to go to school since mom will not be home to teach. His sweet little girl has had her innocence taken from her by her own father, the one she should have been able to trust. This man's sin is devastating his family.

We talked about how the situation could have been prevented. We wondered who he could have turned to in the beginning, when the sin was just a seedling, a tiny sprout of temptation. But even though we are ALL sinners, there are some sins the Church does not talk about.

Which brings me to my story.

Some of y'all know this already, but I was a drug addict.

I realize that according to Narcotics Anonymous, I will always be a drug addict, but I reject this idea. I think it reduces the magnitude of Christ's redemptive work to say that my sin is my identity. Addict is who I was. Tamara, God's clean, redeemed, whole daughter is who I am.

After Nate was born, I was working in postpartum/antepartum at a large teaching hospital. I was the charge nurse at night, and part of my duties included going through the narcotics cabinet and discarding outdated narc bags for our PCA's. One day I took a bag home in my pocket. Not sure why. Was I lonely? Tired? Stupid? And I injected it into my blood stream. I was hooked.

Over the next four years I descended into a crazy spiral. I'd steal drugs, and then feel terribly guilty. I would repent and promise myself and God that it would never happen again. Until it did. My husband knew something was up. But he didn't know what it was.

And I was sure I had it under control. If I just prayed harder or had more willpower I would be free. I didn't feel like there was anyone I could confide in. I mean, drug addiction? Stealing? Those aren't things that good girls do. Not things that ORU grads do. Not things that loving moms with small children and houses in the suburbs do. So I kept trying to fight it on my own.

And failed.

Until I got caught.

I was working at a new job after Abigail was born. Only my second day on the job. I had sworn to myself that I absolutely would not start stealing drugs again. I'd been clean through pregnancy, so surely this wouldn't be a problem again, right?

Until it was. And I found myself caught. The nurse manager and charge nurse were coming down the hall and asking me to take a drug test. And I started to sob and confessed.

And felt so free. The process of restoration was hard. The discipline of the Lord is never easy, but it is good. I lost my job. I went to rehab, leaving my 12 wk old baby, my toddler and my preschooler. My marriage suffered greatly. I wondered if we would all make it through intact. I had to go through a 2 yr peer counseling program to retain my nursing license.

But God was faithful. Even when I was not. Today, those days of addiction and craziness seem so far removed. I can't even imagine willfully heading back that direction. I am so grateful for being caught before the consequences were greater. I thank God that while I was acting like a complete freaking idiot, He was still watching out for me. I had been shooting up at work. I drove my car high. I cared for my kids while drugged and somehow had convinced myself that I was a better mom because the drugs made me function so great. At least in my head. But I could have killed someone. And I am grateful every day that my story didn't end with me in jail, having ruined or ended someone's life.

And I didn't want to share this with anyone for a long time. Because it's embarrassing. Because I knew better. Because good Christian girls just don't do things like that.

But the longer we keep silent about our temptations the more they grow. And when we only confess bullshit sins like "I care too much about other people" or "I'm too much of a perfectionist" we won't grow. Honesty is what we desperately need in the Church. Who are we fooling? We walk around like we aren't all sinners who need redemption. Like my filthy rags of sin aren't as disgusting at the next guy's.

So what can we do as a Church? How can we help each other be honest?

Faith-full

First off, I want to say thanks to my tens of readers for their undeserved compliments. All y'all just warm my heart. (Yes, Mom, I am a real Texan. I said "all y'all" - and last week I bought gold shoes. Scary, no?)

Second, I was really tempted to not blog today just to be an object lesson from yesterday about not being Supermom.

But I noticed something today in church that got me thinking. There was a typo up on the screen during one of the songs. (Yes, I am a bit AR and notice these things). The screen read "faithfull" instead of "faithful". Which caused me to ponder.

When I think of the fruit of the Spirit, I always think of faithfulness sort of like loyalty or consistency. But what if it also means being full of faith? And what if that is really the same thing?

It requires faith to trust that as I am consistent in the daily things God will be faithful to fulfill His promises to me. So I guess I need to be both faithful (loyal, consistent) and faith-full (trusting, expecting).

May not be a news flash to anyone else, but I thought is was kind of interesting. Hope y'all had a restful Sabbath and are empowered to take on the week. This week I am working on our morning routine, so I will be reporting daily on my progress towards reestablishing good habits. I am committing to be out of bed at 7 each morning and will be consistent in my quiet time. Harass me please and ask if I'm behaving!

What is it going to take

For God to get through to us? I keep living my life like a normal American, comsumed with the busyiness of life. Sure, I do few things I feel honor God. You know, we say grace, we read the Bible, we go to church, we try not to swear. Heck, we even school our kids at home so we can teach them about Him.

But am I really all that different? When are we going to come to the place where we really change it all up? Where we reject the consumerism that binds us and run wholeheartedly after God. Where we start getting rid of things and debt and every sin that so easily entangles us and start visbly showing His love to the people around us.

I came across this today and was just floored. How can you look at those faces and not have your heart be broken? The kids and I are going tonight to find a Compassion child to sponsor. And we are going to see what we can do to free up money in our budget to sponsor more.

Faith amnesia

So, we've had a lot going on in our lives and in our marriage the last couple years. Lately, I'd been a bit depressed and discouraged. We've had some issues come to the surface in our marriage that just plain hurt. Sin in both of our lives was/is causing problems and I'd become a little hopeless. Wondering if things would ever change. If I could change. If he were willing to change.

Yesterday, I talked with a friend of mine. She has been through a lot in her life and recently was blessed with a huge miracle. Something that was just so improbable in the natural that it could only be an act of God. And yet, she is still worried. Still a bit fearful and anxious. And I was incredulous. How, when God is so clearly moving on her behalf, could she still doubt? And yet, don't I do the exact same thing?

I've been listening to a lot of praise and worship music online, trying to get some sort of breakthrough. I came across this and was on my face, on the floor, in tears. What was I thinking? How can I look at what God has done in my life and think my current troubles are insurmountable to Him?

Look at my kids! Five beautiful, smiling faces greet me every morning. And I was told that I may never have children at all! I had my first female surgery at 16 and had three more before we were blessed with Nathaniel. I remember the year we were trying to conceive Susannah. I wrote Luke 1:45 on my mirror and meditated on it daily ("Oh how happy is the woman who believes in God, for His promises to her come true.") We built this big ole house in faith, even though people thought we were nuts, because we believed that He would fill it up with children. And we found we were expecting Susannah the week we closed on the house. And still I doubt? God have mercy on my doubting soul.

I ran across this in my Bible yesterday, "He reached down from on high and took hold of me: he drew me from deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He has brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." (II Sam. 22:17-20).

Did you get that? He will rescue us, because HE DELIGHTS IN US! He who has been faithful all along will continue to be faithful. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and He will be faithful to complete that which concerns us! Hallelujah!

Who do you follow?

I'm like a dog, really. When I'm out with the kids and I see another mom, I check her out. Sniff around. Is she like me? Lots of kids? Baby strapped on back? School aged kids in tow during school hours? If we seem compatible I might venture a "hello". And the sniffing continues. We night start to talk about parenting. Is she like me? How does she feel about schedules? Breastfeeding? Vaccination and alternative medicine? Homeschooling? Spanking? Cloth diapers? Cosleeping? And on and on and on. And I tend to judge folks based on their opinions about these issues.

Similarly, in mom group situations (the church nursery, the park, etc), different child-rearing teachers often come up. Folks quickly identify themselves with one teacher or another (Ezzo, Sears, Lehman, etc). And again, the judging continues.

The apostle Paul dealt with this in I Corinthians, Ch. 1:10-12, "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, 'I follow Paul'; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another, 'I follow Cephas'; still another, 'I follow Christ.'

The truth is, we should all follow Christ alone. He is the best teacher. He knows our children in ways that no one else can and freely gives of His wisdom to those who ask. As much as we have good plans and intentions for our children, His plans and intentions are more glorious and awesome than we can imagine. Why do we avail ourselves of man's wisdom to the detriment of God's? Why do we allow differences in parenting to divide us, instead of allowing Christ to unite us? Many men and women have valuable things to say, but only when we learn at the foot of Christ we will be truly wise.

hard words

So, can I tell you how much God has been showing me His love lately? (Aside from the rockin' awesome full over twin bunkbeds with mattresses He gave us for FREE!)

Philip and I have been in a rough patch in our marriage. Busyness, illness, finances and everything seem to have ganged up on us all at once. I had seriously gotten to the point where I wondered why I was married at all.

Then, a week and half ago, God spoke to me.

After our homeschool co-op on Fridays, many of the families head to a local park for a picnic lunch. My friend Bonnie (who lives over an hour away) called me as I was leaving co-op to ask if I was going to the park that day. I said yes, and she said she had been heading home, but the Lord told her to come back. We met at the park and began eating.

As the kids played, I started to share a little bit about what was going on in my life, really just expecting to vent (isn't that what we ladies usually do under the guise of sharing - complain about our spouses?) Bonnie wasn't about to have that. She gave me some gentle, loving and difficult to swallow words about my heart and my marriage. She reminded me that I cannot change Philip, only myself. She talked with me about submission, freedom, wounds and a lot of other things. I found myself fighting tears (and I HATE to cry in front of people). She and my friend Alysia prayed for me and I drove home sobbing.

For the rest of the day I cried and prayed while I made dinner and cleaned house. I felt like God was breaking something in me. Like a wall that had been erected in my heart was being knocked down with a sledgehammer. But at the same time, I felt a lightness in my soul that I hadn't felt in a long time.

I've been trying some new things this last week and a half. Like shutting my mouth when I want to be sarcastic. And really focusing on keeping the kids on a schedule. And things are improving.

The thing is, Bonnie and Alysia didn't give me what I wanted that Friday afternoon. I just wanted to gripe and have someone commisurate. They gave me what I needed, and I am so grateful. Proverbs 27:6 says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." I wish more of us in the Christian community had the courage to give wounds when they are necessary, instead of applying superficial kisses that heal nothing.

Good stuff..

I love Mark Driscoll. I think he put my thoughts into perfect form here.

I'm reminded of the words of Isaiah (55:2), "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Many people have been spending their time and money on what does not satisfy. I was at Walmart the night of the election and heard someone say, "Now that Obama's in office, all our troubles are over." In the coming months, these people are going to be sorely dissappointed. Obama may give them some of what they want, but he cannot fill that soul deep hunger for the presence of a living God. As St. Augustine said, "You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You." May we who know Christ be ready to offer living water to those who are parched, and the Comforter to those who are disillusioned and dissapointed.

Good news about the election!

Even though Obama will be President in 3 months:

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-annointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost when they come to Him.

(Thanks, Em, for the email above)

I would love to see Obama's catchphrases come to life. I'd love to see people finding HOPE in Christ. I'd be thrilled to see folks' lives CHANGE as a result of rebirth. We should all have the AUDACITY to take a stand for truth and witness boldly for our Lord. It would be amazing to see us all UNITED, worshipping in spirit and truth.